Reclaiming My Virginity

The name Reclaiming Your Virginity intuitively came to me during an Online Presence Retreat for Ministers. It is a name that I have stood by because it represents the truth for me. I realised that the first person who I had sex with (who I gave my virginity to) wasn’t that person. My virginity was actually taken from me without my consent as a child…

…I am a survivor of Childhood Sexual Abuse and Rape. It was through my counselling work with children that the memories of being sexually abused as a child resurfaced, I would have dreams and I never knew what to do about it… I went to see a counsellor and told her about my dreams, but it was like she never believed me.  I knew the dreams I had were real, but I doubted my dreams too and pushed my dreams aside.  It was when I did my Ministry Training and MSc in Consciousness, Spirituality & Transpersonal Psychology, that it remerged again… I kept on having strong dreams and I was being guided to research about Childhood Sexual Abuse and everything I read made so much sense, even down to the dreams I had…. Click the link to read a Literature Review on Childhood Sexual Abuse that I have written.

I realised I had know choice but to heal my wounds… To do this I had to separate from family and friends and put my trust in God… Even though I am a counsellor and I believe that counsellors or therapists can help.  Finding the right counsellor has not always been easy… And when I was going through the motions of relieving the trauma, I had know one to help me, because in the past when I did open up I was called a liar.

I have done several healing courses by John Bradshaw to heal my inner child and self help work with spirit… Which helped alot.

Finding God, finding my Guru, Meditation, Healing and Creativity have helped me to express myself so that I can feel free inside of my being and my body again … As my journey has always been inner crippling, numbing, not knowing, old memories resurfacing, depressing, confusing and a painful journey growing into adulthood, which I have struggled to put into words. For years I felt a hand over my mouth stopping me from communicating and finding a way to express myself.

After being ordained as a minister I wanted to detach from all things that were stopping me from connecting with God and Alcohol was one of them. I realised that alcohol played a huge part in numbing my pain from my abuse… (This year I will be five years free of alcohol which I am grateful for). During a meeting that I attended in AA, a woman shared that she had been abused by her uncle… In that moment, I felt that she was being my voice and that she was speaking for me…We spoke after the meeting and I shared with her my experiences and she shared with me that spirit does work like that. From that moment I began to believe what had happened to me… After the meeting on my way home, I received a call from the funeral directors to say that my late mother’s headstone was ready… I started to cry because I felt like it was a confirmation that she was with me all that time and that she was sending me a message of support from the heavens through the woman.

From my Ministry Training and MSc, I have created a website called Reclaiming Your Virginity which is designed to empower others and keep the anonymity of people’s rights who have been abused like myself private…. I offer a variety of Counselling Services in the Reclaiming Your Virginity Counselling Space from Nonverbal Counselling, Person-Centred and Spiritual Counselling… I wrote a book called Reclaiming Your Virginity Intuitive Art & Poems as a way to express my pain…Where you can read it in the (Reclaiming Your Virginity Library).

I offer Creative Spiritual Mentoring to help Survivors to write their own books. I also offer a Silent Monthly Meditation for Survivors and an Inspirational Talk in Silence.

I have chosen the path of silence because I believe silence speaks louder than words. However words are also important and we have to find our voice especially if our voice has been suppressed.

I have chosen not to seek justice and to forgive all of my abusers as I have seen how God, their karma has had an impact on their lives in some way. I have seen and witnessed all my abusers silently being punished, sent to prison, deported and the truth found out, all with the blessing of God… Some people may say I am protecting them by not verbalising or naming them.

But I feel freer in giving it to God, Divine Mother and my Guru. It was God where the memories came from, so it is God who I have chosen to give it back to… This hasn’t been an easy way to choose, but it is my truth …

I have also suffered a significant amount of traumatic experiences as a child… There was a time when I walked out of my nana’s front door to play in the garden, and a mixed raced man appeared out of nowhere and pulled out a gun to my next door neighbour. I remember them arguing with each other I froze, as I wasn’t sure if the man was going to shoot me as well as my next door neighbour.

As an innocent child not sure if I was going to die and I didn’t know what to do, I remember looking into the man’s eyes who was pointing the gun…And he left and left us unharmed… I have know memory of what happened next, if I shared it with a family member or if I even cried… I later heard that he had been sent to prison, and secretly inside I felt safe.

In my mid-thirties I was invited to a police conference. I was sitting in the audience and I saw the eyes of the same man who had pulled the gun out to me and my next door neighbour all them years ago sitting with the police, sharing his journey as a reformed gang member and how he works for the police…

Inside of myself, I wanted to stand up and ask him a question, do you remember me, but when we glimpsed eyes it was like he already knew and then I saw eyes of forgiveness and sorry.

I know longer want to be stuck in the past or allow my past lived experiences and trauma to have control over me. My health and my children are the most important things to me, and I won’t allow anyone to take that away from me…

It has taken a lot of inner strength for me to view my choice in this way…  Working with God is not the fastest route, it does take a great deal of patience, but eventually, it does become a way of life. When I choose God, my Guru and my intuition, they help me out of the darkness and my crazy thoughts and bring me into the light, peace and calm uniting me to the truth of who we are, a precious beloved gift of life that needs to be treated and nurtured with care. And with time and time again we will be brought into the present moment to see God everywhere …

I have been gifted a precious gift called life and I won’t allow anyone to take that away from me.

“We have been gifted a precious gift called life and we shouldn’t allow anyone to take that away from us” …

I am grateful to be able to share with you all in this way thank you for reading.

Blessings & Love

Rev Dinah Pemberton